Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Im part way to drunk.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
