He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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