my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
