At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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