I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
