Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
