Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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