Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
