His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
