there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just high enough for therapy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
