This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
