i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
