dude i'm inner monologue high
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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