I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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