In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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