Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I love you.
Bad choice
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
