maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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