the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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