Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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