i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
