I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.