please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on