i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?