He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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