Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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