but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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