getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
