I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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