Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
