The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
