Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
