Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
