can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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