Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
