At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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