Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Randomize
