Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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