just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
