No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
