Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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