You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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