Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
