eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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