just come out here and I will go home with you...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
