There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
