dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
