Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
