i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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