Everything about him screamed your future.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
