I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.