Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?