Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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