Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
