i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
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Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.