you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
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multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.