put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love