I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
