I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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