So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
